The greatest violence

…is to transfer one’s issues, one’s unmet needs, and one’s desperation for validation as a human being (a mother, a woman, a productive member of society)…

and to suck away the lifeblood, literally, of another woman in order to make this happen

to relegate an innocent child as a permanent second-class citizen who must be grateful for said second-class citizenship

and to convince one’s self:

I am the victim

I am the marginalized

My loss is greater than anyone else’s loss

My loss (infertility or other biological inability to conceive) entitles me to take from others

My body’s inability to produce the child I wanted gives me the right to place my needs first

and the world will laud me as a rescuer, savior, hero

I can choose to be blind

I have the option to ignore

and decades from now when innocent child becomes an adult demanding answers I cannot give

I have the privilege of claiming ignorance

love conquers all, they told me

and I choose to ignore

no one thinks about adoption but you, I say

as I enjoy the privilege of my biological family and connections to my genetic heritage

and as I visit the known graves of people connected to me by blood

The greatest violence

is when the victimizer convinces herself she is the victim.

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4 thoughts on “The greatest violence

  1. I can’t imagine what my son’s adoptive parents think of me, but they must necessarily think that it’s good and okay that I lost him so that they could be parents, and that I lost him because I fucked up and made a mistake by getting pregnant, not because giving him up was a mistake to begin with. How else could you live with yourself?

    • Infertility is a loss, just as being gay or lesbian and unable to produce a baby together is a loss…but that does NOT entitle anyone to other people’s children. People are so angry about “welfare” meaning that “poor people” get “handouts” from people who “work darn hard for their money,” and they say that’s not fair. Yet they think it’s just, fair, and even beautiful/divinely fated to redistribute children to the child-needy. People need money to live; they do not need children to live. It’s sad not to become parents, but they will live.

      Sigh. Thank you for validating what I was trying to say.

  2. Separating a baby from it’s real mother IS a violent, barbaric and destructive act at a cellular level, no matter what the reasons are for doing it. A part of the adoptee (and the birthmother) dies when it she is torn away from what nature intended – to be with her biological family. Instead, she is placed into an assembled family, to live in a doll house, where she becomes a living doll for her adopters to play with. Adoption allows infertile people to pretend that they have procreated, at the cost of “their” adopted child’s ability to thrive. It’s like a really twisted episode of Twilight Zone, only it is not TV, it is my reality.

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